Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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