I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
