Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
