I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Text me some of your sweat
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
