He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
