you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
