i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
