In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
