69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
