Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The power of my boobs compel you
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
