ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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