So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
