i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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