Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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