Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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