Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
