John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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