I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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