Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
