Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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