My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
