I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
