She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
cat food counts as protein by the way
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
