I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
