this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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