I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
