He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
