New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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