What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
