i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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