you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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