there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
