literally had 100 drinks last night.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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