i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
