I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
