Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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