I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
