I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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