I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
