My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
