I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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