I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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