Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
