If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had to coat check the pizza.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
