so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
