I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
