This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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