Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
