I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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