I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
