I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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