The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
