Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
