I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
