My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this boner is exhausting
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
