My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
